THE RECORD OF LIFE ITSELF
JANUARY 21 2021
I miss someplace I've never been. How can that be?
It doesn't make sense to me but at the same time it does.
Maybe I am crazy or maybe you need to stop and think.
You can be too.
JANUARY 23 2021
How did everything go so wrong? I try to understand but I can't. I only understand what human brains can't
or at least I think I do. Doubt. It gets me everytime. It's one of my human flaws. I hate it.
I also hate fear. Well certain fear. I like when people fear me.I don't like when people fear for me. There is a difference.
These damn people need to stop fearing what they think I can do. They don't even know half of it.
Stop fearing that I will cause death because of little things. Start fearing what could happen to you.
If this keeps happening I might just break. I hate all of existence. I want to be somewhere else.
bring me somewhere else.
JANUARY 25 2021
I have so many thoughts running through my head. It hard to get them out especially when
there is always someone right there trying to figure it out, writing notes and
trying to make me get rid of it. I hate this time. This existence. It makes no sense.
It makes no sense for me. I was forced here by the beings and it was a mistake.
I need to return to where I belong, although I've never been there. It is home.
I am homesick for a place I've never lived to see. One day I will return. Return home at least.
Time will go backwards and I can be free. That can't happen while I'm here though.
I have to wait but I can't wait for long. Soon I will have enough. I am going to get out of here.
Nothing matters and nothing ever will. I would be at home in peace. Find peace in death.
I find a certain peace in death others don't. I see it has a doorway to a new existence.
There is always more after or maybe its just blackness and eternal sleep.
Either way its peaceful...A place that can't be recreated. A way to feel better.
FEBRUARY 2 2021
I wish I could go back to a year ago. Life was simpler. I didn't worry
As a matter of fact, I actually remeber that 1 year ago on this day
I thought about how I was loosing interest in the Parkland massacre and shifting focus to
Columbine. I miss it all to be honest. I also didn't have social media. No tcc accounts or anything.
I would just sit in my room for hours on end watching youtube videos about these massacres.
Nobody knew about my obsession and I was treated fairly. I lived life like I wanted.
I would listen to these 10 songs on repeat. Pumped Up Kicks being one of them.
Where did the time go? I believe everything went downhill once I made my first tcc account.
Looking back on it I made it one July 3rd. It got deleted the same day for some dumb reasons but I became addicted and
kept making more every time one would go down. I introduced myself to the tcc world on instagram
and became overly comfortable there. I shared everything with complete strangers that I would call my friends
Of course that later came back to haunt me. I trusted this one girl and she got her friends and called the cops. September 2020.
I made such a dumb choice. I was doing fine in my own world off the tcc. I was doing fine alone, researching these cases for hours.
I was doing fine thinking about this by myself and influencing myself. I let myself get so attached to something that I shouldn't have.
I was doing just fine but I got selfish in a way. I wanted what made me feel good at the time. It clearly didn't last. I am now trapped in a cycle.
I want to get out but there is no possible way. I want to turn back time. I liked the feeling I would get back then.
Just researching alone. I need that. I can try again, I will try again. But the one thing I can't change is no one knowing. It will take time.
I just have to never speak of it again and let it fill my head. It will probably take months,
actually even longer because of dumb family that loves to bring up the past.
I just have to say im done. Drag myself through a new age.
FEBRUARY 18 2021
Life was going so well for me. Everything was going to work out
that changed this morning. Now everything has just gone to shit.
to add to that i have a 3 hour long therapy session later today. I fucking hate therapy
I think it actually makes me a worse person than i was before
tell me how the fuck its suppose to help. i sit in a fucking circle with a group of girls i imagine killing every week
and then say I hate my mom. like what the hell. Maybe one day i'll get lucky and one of
them will kill themselves. Im probably not that lucky. The only good thing that hasn't failed me yet today is
The Anarchists Cook Book. I didn't realize how much I needed that in my life. It solved
a lot of my issues already and maybe I know have timed bombs
yes i was so fucking stupid and couldn't make them before. My brain is wired differently than those who have done this
before me. I'm so stupid compared to them but that wont stop me. damn maybe im saying to much.
March 16 2021
Its been quite some time now. Things have definetly changed.
I have a new therapist now. And no more IOP for me. I'm
done with it. I got my way out of it. If only that worked for everything.
I also started school again. In person school now. I hate it.
But I need to do it for multiple reasons. The biggest reason being that I need
to collect information. Not for anything bad tho lol. And the second reason being
I need to be more social. Well I'm told I need to be
by my mother and therapist. Oh and want to know something funny? On my
last day of IOP one of the girls tried to kill herself right in front of us.
Of course she was to stupid to actually end her life. She told one of the staff
that she was choking herself after they asked.
If she really wanted to die she would have said she was fine and not choking herself or she would
have waited literally 10 minutes. THERE WAS LITERALLY 5 MINUTES LEFT OF THE THERAPY SESSION! Half the
stuff I say would make more sense if you were there. Want to know something else? Well
school hasn't changed one bit. Maybe its gotten worse but when I walked in that building I realized how dark and
depressing it is. I felt like I didn't belong there. It was so bad that when I came home I just
wanted to die. I knew I couldn't handle anymore of it but I have to. Thats just life I guess.
September 16 2022
Okay hi. So its been over a year. So sorry about that.
I have decided to bring out real me
Now what exactly is real me? I
don't really know to be honest.
So shit has been going downhill
recently. Don't worry tho. I'm
fine and I mean it. I don't know what else to say to be honest.
go back home